U-G-L-Y, Ugly!

You know that old adage about not going to the grocery store hungry? The box of chocolate cookies that you would NEVER have picked up makes it into the cart next to the “specialty” cheese that was $4.00 more a pound that your usual purchase? You know what I mean. Everything looks so tasty and never seems quite as expensive when you are wheeling that cart around the store humming to The Hustle: Instrumental Remix on an empty stomach. Well, I learned the hard way today that the grocery store is not the only money-sucking trap. I learned today that you should never, under any circumstance, by no means, go to the drugstore when you feel ugly.

First of all, there are probably a couple of things you might not know about me. 1. The older I get the more attractive I am – IN MY MIND! Once I leave the mirror in the morning, I can look however I want because I don’t have to see myself again to ruin my illusions. When I feel good, I feel pretty, and when I feel pretty, I usually feel Latin. I feel like JoLo or Paz Vega, Eva Mendes or Salma Hayek. Chalk it up to a vivid imagination, but I want to “look” how I “feel” – even if I’m the only one who knows it. What? Is that weird? 2. I believe I mentioned a few days ago that I really don’t buy all that much in the way of beauty products and what I do buy is from Wal-Mart or CVS. Don’t get me wrong, I’d LOVE to buy all my supplies in a spa or department store: Clinique and MAC, Bobbi Brown and Lancome....but it’s a matter of car taxes and lobster rolls and gas to get to and from work around these parts! So, I happily purchase my Maybelline and move on. No problem. But I really do try to keep that part of my budget low. 3. And finally, I put the least amount of effort into the way I look in the morning when I go to work. It’s black pants, pony tail and make-up on at stoplights. The fact that I’ve gotten up in time to wash my face and brush my teeth is a major accomplishment. I don’t push it. I’m probably the only person in Connecticut who comes home and then “gets ready for the day”. I hug my husband, head downstairs, hop in the shower and most nights return from the bathroom a new creation – polished, lotioned, shiny and new – smelling like an orange-y pomegranate, vanilla cookie or whatever softsoap grabbed my eye last shopping trip.

So, when I got a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror at lunch, I was a little mortified. I REALLY look like that? Ugh……I’m not sure what it was..…the humid warm air on my naturally curly hair….the makeup that was applied in mere seconds at stoplights between Brainard Rd and Wethersfield Ave. Maybe it was the giant faded black top and clumsy colorful striped sweater that just really put me over – but I felt U-G-L-Y, ugly! I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve put on a few pounds that I pledge to take off every Monday morning but just never seem to get around to. Maybe next Monday! ;) It hadn’t really bothered me until this last 5, but it’s time to get it off. I will. And I’ve gotten a little lazy with my hair. I should put more effort into fixing it nicely. But it was beyond that……I felt disgusting. I don’t think I’ve ever done this in my life - honestly. But I wheeled around and went straight to CVS, which just happens to be right next to where I work.

At my store, the very first thing you see when you walk through the door is a giant cardboard cut-out of Beyonce draped on the ground in a “barely-there” red dress with perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect EVERYTHING. Under her is a box with shelves filled with bottles of perfume. As if to say, “You’ll never in a million years look like this so the closest you can hope for is to put down $19.95 for this bottle so you can at least smell like you imagine I smell right now in this photo.” I walk by it. I have more important issue to take care of. My eyes are fixed on the makeup wall ahead. I bought practically all new cosmetics – no more half broken eye shadows and lip gloss tubes you have to massage for 10 minutes to get anything out of. No more old mascara or unsharpened pencils. I went for it…..a new makeup brush. I’ve had the last one for years and years. It’s slowly falling apart, so after I get ready David walks around picking brush hairs off my face like a monkey picking lice of his mate. NO MORE! $4.99 – fine – throw it in the basket. New DermaBreathe makeup? Maybe that’s the problem…if only my derma could breathe more, I’d be beautiful. Into the cart. Nevermind the $14.95 price tag. Hair dye, lotions, teeth whitener, face soap and moisturizer….I was an ugly girl gone wild! I’m too ashamed to tell you the total or the exact amount of items I carried out in two small plastic bags, but I will tell you this…..it felt GREAT! I walked out to the car and unwrapped my treasures, dumping the old stuff in a trash sack. I have a feeling that over the next few days there will be much heavy-conditioning and pedicuring and plucking and tweezing. There will be much polishing and exfoliating and lotioning and coloring. I am ready to undergo some serious grooming so that I can once again go back to looking like Salma Hayek. You know it’s bad when your imagination won’t even play along anymore!