Blogging It Out...

It's 7:51 on Tuesday night.  David, Evan and I left the house about 6:00 or so and have just returned from a viewing for a 6 year old little girl, Alyssa Ryan Kristoff. As we were driving home, I said "I'm going down to blog it out".  I walked straight down and put on something with an elastic waist band and sat down in the basement office to write. I  don't even know what I want to say.  I don't even know who I'm saying it to.  Most everyone who reads this has no idea who Alyssa is. I only met her recently myself.  But never the less, I want to blog it out. I need to blog it out.

This is Alyssa:

This photo was taken this summer at Evan's birthday party. She had a life and energy and a sense of humor! She was one funny little girl. I only got to spend a half a dozen times with her since I've been here, but I always enjoyed her. You all know my desperate love for children of all sorts, but a little girl who likes princesses and pink and purple and balloons......well, you can only imagine.  ;)  

But the truth is I didn't really know her all that well, so I'll just let you hear from her family who did:  "Alyssa Ryan Kristoff ... was received into Jesus's loving embrace in Heaven on Thanksgiving Day with her loving family by her side....Alyssa will be lovingly remembered for her love of people, music, books and all things purple. Her bright smile and her beautiful soul will truly be missed every day. She recently was able to take her dream trip with her family to meet the Princesses at Disney World, which she absolutely loved and her favorite Princess was Belle. Despite her many medical obstacles, she never complained and her courage and determination were an inspiration to many...."

We left the house about 15 minutes after I got home from work. It was dark already and drizzling, but not miserably cold. When we pulled into the parking lot, we could see the line of people wrapped around the building, standing out with hoods and umbrellas.  We all huddled under a small umbrella that fortunately David had in the trunk.  The line wrapped along the front of the building and weaved in and out of rooms.  There were more people than I have ever seen at a viewing....nurses, doctors, friends, family, teachers....and on and on.  Wendy is Pam's Marsha and has been with her as much as possible. When we finally got inside, Wendy told us it had been this way since close to 4:00....non-stop people. 

David and I stood in line trying to make mindless small talk to keep our thoughts from turning into tears. We stood. We waited. We chatted. "This would be my nightmare," I said. I can't imagine the sadness and pain and then you have to  "pull it together" and greet all these people - friendly faces or not! I don't know how they are doing it.  I kept thinking about Choosing To SEE.  I tried to think about those women standing the bathroom in their underwear, as they had given Mary Beth their clothes so she could go and "greet the masses of people" there to console them at the church. It would make me smile for a minute. More idle chit chat. I could tell I was kind of rocking back and forth on my shoes. I could tell I was chopping my gum like a cow.  It was everything in me to hold it together.  I told David "I keep telling myself REEL IT IN....REEL IT IN...." ha. 

I have a hard enough time keeping it together for a "support our troops" commercial or a really good song at church. The sight of a child-size casket is just not something I can easily handle.  REEL IT IN...chop...chop...stop rocking....OH NO David tearing up!  He leaned over...."Did you see Katy (her 12 year old sister)?" "No," I said, trying not to look at him.  "She is stroking her hair and telling people about he things she has in her coffin." REEL IT IN!!! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! I look over and see the photo of Alyssa dressed in a blue princess dress next to Belle. She had been to Disney only days before. Ugh. I had to check out for a minute. I couldn't manage it. I thought about little Abigail and how much I love her and how my heart would be breaking into a million little pieces and big tears welled up and I was either going to check out or completely embarrass myself and David. Tears back down where they came from.....HOLD IT UNTIL YOU GET TO THE CAR.... I can't imagine the hurt and pain. I can't imagine the loss. I can't imagine.... 

We finally get to see her in that tiny little casket and she's just darling in her princess tiara.  She has her teddy and animals with her. The medal she won at Special Olympics.  Her older sister standing guard.  Greeting guests and talking to everyone who walked by.  She was like a little grown-up....a rock....so mature. It was remarkable. Among the wreaths of flowers, there was a  floral arrangement of a princess castle with a field made like a flower arrangement....I can't even begin to describe it to do it justice. There were green dyed daises as the grass and the was a pond and a path and it all went up the castle....all of colored flowers. It was precious.

I watched as the line got closer to Pam and Bill. They were doing remarkable. I don't know how you stand there and greet and talk and be so gracious. Person after person. They stopped and talked and smiled and hugged, all the while, their baby was lying there just a few feet away. What do you say? What do you do? Oh my....I can't imagine....We said our hellos and made our condolences and gave our hugs. I knew enough to say very little...DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID I told myself.....thinking again of Choosing to SEE and all the dumb things people told her at the viewing of her daughter.  I almost made it out of there....."Good to see you" I sort of whisper-talked to Pam as we were leaving. REALLY?  Good to see you? What does that mean? I felt like those movies where the guy gets nervous around the girl and says something idiotic. Good to see you? That's what you came up with? How about "If there is anything we can do...." Well, I told myself, your random "good to see you" is about the LAST thing on her mind right now. Stupid or not.

We made our way out about 7:40 or so and the line was still weaving in and out of rooms. The amount of support was truly overwhelming. 

They are precious people and good, sweet parents who love their kids like crazy. You can be with them one time and know that. And while I could never feel their pain or anything close to it, my heart certainly hurts for them tonight, their sad day at the funeral tomorrow and the days to come. If you think to say a prayer for their family from time to time, I'm sure it would be appreciated. 

Thanks for listening.